Click Here For A Yiddish To English Mini-Dictionary                                            
Click Here For Candle Lighting Times

Archeologists IN ISRAEL JUST DISCOVERED THAT THERE WASN'T JUST 10 COMMANDMENTS, IT WAS 15. HERE ARE THOSE LOST COMMANDMENTS

Commandment 11
Don't be afraid to leave a big tip, it won' t kill ya.

Commandment 12
Thou wife shalt not, never, ever nag thy husband.

Commandment 13
Thou shalt not eat pork or shellfish.....unless on rare occasion (if no ones looking), and only if your cholesterol is under 190.

Commandment 14
Thou shalt not screw thy neighbor in business.

Commandment 15
Israel belongs to the Jews.

PROOF THAT G-D HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR

Here's proof that G-d has a sense of humor. Let's take for example his discussion with Abraham. G-d said unto to Abraham," Abraham, I want you to kill your only son and serve him as a human sacrifice to me." And just as Abraham was about to cut his sons throat, G-d grabbed him and said, "Wow! Dude! I'm just fuckin with you!" Unfortunately G-d didn't stop him fast enough when he told Abraham to cut off the tip of his you know what.

I could go on and on about Abraham. Here's another instance where, G-d broke Abe's shoes. When he was 96 years old the Lord thy G-d said unto Abraham, Abe you need to start having kids .I guarantee you it wasn't a pretty picture. G-d also said that unto Charlie Chaplin and Tony Randall . I have no sympathy for Abraham. A matter of fact he was an unfit father.

You know what his problem was, he didn't know how to control his kids. If he did, there would be peace in the Middle East today. His kids never stopped fighting. To this day his children never stop fighting. He should of put his foot down! Give them some Riddlin' ,Take off your belt, do whatever it takes! But Jesus Christ! Control your kids!

WORLD SERIES OF POKER

I have to take moment to address the World Series of Poker. Let's call a spade a spade here (no pun intended, well ok, so it was intended) Did I miss something? When did they declare poker a sport? So am I now to understand that there is such a profession as a professional poker player? And the best of the best make it to the World Series? Somebody call a cop!

This is outrageous! So now every degenerative gambler can legitimize themselves as they're  hocking their babies crib and gambling away their mortgage by saying, " that's ok, I'm training for the World Series!"

So now Las Vegas declared Poker a Sport? What's the next new sport to make ESPN? At this rate, any day now I'm waiting for the state liquor authority to announce that they're teaming up with the City of Las Vegas to bring to ESPN, the World Series of Alcoholics! 


I could picture the announcer saying," Hello sports fans, I'm here with Spiffy Daniels, he's the world champion of alcoholism. Spiffy has one kidney, cirrhosis and has  downed 8 bottles of Night Train and a fifth of Mad Dog 20/20 before 10:30 in the morning."

NO 4SKIN

So there I was at the DMV picking up my vanity plate. I started to sweat as the big fat mama with cellulite on her triceps behind the counter  glanced at the plate before handing it to me.

My worst fears came to fruition. Her eyes opened wide and she said really loud for all to hear, " This license plate is offensive!" She quickly passed it around to the other employees to scorn. I had to think quick, so I said to her, "what are you talking about"? I'm an advocate for lowering cholesterol! I am a firm believer in removing the skin on chicken prior to eating it. You madam have a very filthy mind! A DIRTY DIRTY MIND! I lowered my cholesterol 100 points by altering my diet alone. You should really monitor your cholesterol. "

Everyone around laughed & the crowd cheered! Victory for the chubby jewish kid. Do you realized how hard it is to get a big fat Motor Vehicle Momma to blush?!